Spit & Polish ‘Til It’s Fine…
My head is clear today. It hurts like hell, but it’s clear, which is nice. It’s been hard to find the drive to write anything consistently. Or the time. Or the energy. Or the brain space. Lately the world has been filled with too much chaos, and it’s all a person can do to just hang on and not fall off this carnival ride gone wild. (Plus my goddamn screenplay appears to have flown the coop, so I’m stuck rewriting the fucking thing. That’s what I get for writing the old-fashioned way. Learn from my mistakes, people. If you hand-write your shit and want to keep your shit, scan your shit. This has been a public service announcement.
A lot has happened these last couple of months, and something that’s been growing more and more apparent is that I’ve been minimizing my symptoms, either consciously or subconsciously. Neither is great, or surprising. Both are definite stress reactions, plus I’ve been dissociating so much. But I’m not anymore. I’m taking time to clear my head and prioritize myself and my Unwilling household. I need to take my health much more seriously, and I need better day to day accommodations, which leads us into the next bit…
We’re moving! Not far, I promise! Staying relatively close to that hellhole they call the nation’s capital, but far enough away that I can get some stillness. And closer to some of my nearest and dearest chosen family. People who have helped me regain some of that clarity and peace of mind, whether it be in the mountains, or riding around here in the car listening to an old Better Than Ezra song I’ve heard a thousand times, or chilling in the backyard (to name a few). Places where my brain can finally just go…quiet. Places that feel like home.
My home stopped being a place where my head could go quiet probably about the time my upstairs neighbors started stomping on the ceiling at all hours (they have a small child) and my migraines became persistent poundings in my head. So after much deliberation and discussion, my spouse and I are going to vacate this apartment once our lease is up and we are currently searching for a house. Somewhere that we can have workspaces of our own and make wild and weird creations. Also somewhere with spaces where our friends and loved ones can crash when they come to visit. (And we want people to visit, because this isolation is killing me more than anything else.)
Places where I can play music LOUD again. I love my big headphones, but dear god do I miss amplified sound. Also, I’m losing my hearing, and the headphones aren’t helping that at all. And I can play the record collection or our nerd movies or Annie Lennox on Spotify and the neighbors can’t express their displeasure through the ceiling (which they have).
So things are looking up. I have some appointments this week, and I need to schedule some more soon. I’ve been keeping up with the migraines, but not diligently enough. It’s hard and it’s exhausting. I haven’t been keeping up with the endo really at all. I really need to see a specialist (a couple of them, actually), and I’ve been putting it off. I keep wanting to wait until the migraines are dealt with, and the migraines are never totally dealt with. But it’s on the list. And we’re moving somewhere more accessible, where it’ll be easier for me to get around. And there won’t be anyone on top of me anymore. And we’ll finally have a washing machine. Thank the fucking gods.
My head is hurting less than it did earlier. I think I'm going to take a nap, enjoy the quiet, and then watch some swords get broken with my spouse later. Cheers, friends!
